Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
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Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.