Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
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ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
nyc:
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country