Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
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Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.