@senderblock23

[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened

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@IsoJoeJR

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

@3sunzzz

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

@GensPlace

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…

@Sarcasticsapien

Interviewer: Where were you born?
Me: Missouri.
I: What state are you in now?
M: Apathy.
I: That’s not what I meant.
M: I don’t care.

@SCBamaMan

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

@yonewt

Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?

@Skoogeth

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

@BuckyIsotope

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.