Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I鈥檇 pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
if you鈥檙e out and you see a heart attacking someone you鈥檙e allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Her: What did you get for Valentine鈥檚 Day?
Me: Drunk!
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.