Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened
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M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…
Interviewer: Where were you born?
I: What state are you in now?
I: That’s not what I meant.
M: I don’t care.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I have a really bad stomach ache, I hope it’s an alien.