Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
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Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Discuss
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.