Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
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You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.