@ScottLinnen

Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

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@pilau

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

@_ElvishPresley_

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

@ibid78

Momma bird: welcome to the world!
Baby bird: thx!
M: for the next few months instead of food, I’ma just throw up in your mouth.
B: wait what

@crocodilethumbs

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

@Darlainky

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

@girl_a_whirl

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

@OhDuarte

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

@3sunzzz

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

@thepaulahunt

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

@davepell

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.