okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
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My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.