[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
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I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”