Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
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Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
BARTENDER: the usual?
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Greatest headline of the day:
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”