@PetrickSara

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

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@SpokeAna

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

@SequelsWeWant

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

@TheTimmyToes

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

@kyle_thatisall

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

@beefman138

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

@Jandalize

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

@PFitzpa

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

@SteveKoehler22

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”