Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

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Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.


Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.


BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*


I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.


My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.


Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.


I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.


My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”