@PetrickSara: Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
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@sophielou: Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass. *Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
@Douchekevin: My GFs good traits: Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon Bad traits: Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon
@Midgetspar: Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
@batkaren: Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it's referring to Noah's evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.