Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
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I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I just ran a .003048K
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …