@unravelingfire: Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
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@mrjohndarby: me: I'm looking for my wife cop: can you describe her me: she's strong, independent.. cop: but what does she look like? me: that's not important cop: it kinda is
@Tuna_Lover: I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.
@Tmoney68: Me: I can't get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it. Whiskey: Yes you can.
@OctopusCaveman: Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive? Me: Yes Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.