@unravelingfire

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

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@Easy_Tiger__

ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend

Are you:

1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?

DM for details

@TattleTSister

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

@OneFunnyMummy

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

@TheWeirdWorld

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

@LipstickSpice

I’m getting married!

Well, I have a new boyfriend!

Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!

FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.

@Sam_From_Kansas

Alan from Facebook is concerned about “boarder” control and thinks they should “learn our langage”

@sarah_ogun

Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it

@kimtopher22

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

@rationalists

The term “mentally ill” is reserved for white people. Brown people are called terrorists. Black people are called thugs.

@jonnysun

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”