Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
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the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
oh my god
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT