@Prof_Hinkley

Someone send this note to my family because I’m not speaking to them right now: if you take your pants and underwear off together, separate them before you put them in the hamper

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@weismanjake

When someone tells me to have a safe flight it’s like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane

@TheHyyyype

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

@RachelWenitsky

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

@batkaren

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

@dishs_up

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

@PhilJamesson

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

@VisionBored1

My husband accused me of only listening to reply instead of listening to understand and tbh I have no idea what he’s talking about but I had the best comeback ever to shut him up

@damakattack

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on