When someone tells me to have a safe flight it’s like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane
Someone send this note to my family because I’m not speaking to them right now: if you take your pants and underwear off together, separate them before you put them in the hamper
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[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
My husband accused me of only listening to reply instead of listening to understand and tbh I have no idea what he’s talking about but I had the best comeback ever to shut him up
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on