Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
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meanwhile over on facebook
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
time for some seasonal decor
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.