As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
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I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?