Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
You Might Also Like
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Discuss
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?