Someone should probably go check on Steve.
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Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
mom gave me mine for free
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
The human personality is made of five key elements
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.