Someone should probably go check on Steve.
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Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…