The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
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Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Who’s your best friend?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer