I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
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I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
just witnessed a drug deal
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline