Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
You Might Also Like
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I wanna be the reason you’re comfortable with your prostate examination
GOD: They need air to live
G: And food
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.