Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
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Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Does it…does it take 3 days
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.