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Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?


Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.


I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here


[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.


I wanna be the reason you’re comfortable with your prostate examination


[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?


Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?


what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks