At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*