I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING