Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
You Might Also Like
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Golf would be better with landmines.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
best review i’ve ever seen
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…