Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
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Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.