Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
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Woke up against my better judgement again
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.