I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
We all have our pet causes.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”