@ginnyhogan_

someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom

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@BGH70

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

@heyitsJudeD

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

@djdarrellripley

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

@david8hughes

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

@TheAlexNevil

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

@jessokfine

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

@TweetPotato314

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

@kiiimdaaa

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

@Playing_Dad

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit