Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom
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Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I have an awful lot of shampoo and conditioner for a single bald dude
I feel like I was never properly integrated into society. This is not a complaint.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
waiter: what’ll it be?
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
P: The weakened