someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom

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Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!


Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.


I have an awful lot of shampoo and conditioner for a single bald dude


I feel like I was never properly integrated into society. This is not a complaint.


Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine


waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle


Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows


Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.


I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.


Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What