@ginnyhogan_

someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom

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@BobTheSuit

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

@OMGSoOverIt

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

@kelownagoose

I have an awful lot of shampoo and conditioner for a single bald dude

@tsm560

I feel like I was never properly integrated into society. This is not a complaint.

@heyitsJudeD

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

@mrjohndarby

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

@DeanOkay

Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows

@DothTheDoth

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

@1Bad_Scientist

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

@CourtneyBale

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What