@mejustbeth

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

You Might Also Like

@SurgicalTurtle

ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread

@mostlysharks

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

@RickAaron

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

@therealsoulsoup

I’m not sure I understand people who drive the speed limit in the FAST lane. Isn’t this lane reserved for crime or excessive speed?

@Skoog

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

@Staggfilms

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

@molly7anne

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

@brendohare

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

@TheSharona06

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.