ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
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me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
me: dropbear gobstoppers
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I’m not sure I understand people who drive the speed limit in the FAST lane. Isn’t this lane reserved for crime or excessive speed?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.