Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
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*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.