Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
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Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
#CatsOnTwitter
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
The first matador
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.