Someone tell my kid that if I wanted to hear high-pitched shrieking all night, I would have become a murderer.

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Can’t get a woman? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.


” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”



ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait


“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.


Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch


I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.


Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118


Someone stole my car from the Target parking lot, but fortunately they returned it at 11:00 pm when it was the only car left in the lot.


Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit