Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
You Might Also Like
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Salad is the decaf of food.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life