Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
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[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Vodka burrito was a success
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real