someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
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Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
lmao
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Never ghost your hitman.
Love it! 👍😂
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older