“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
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A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Anime is real
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I sexually identify as a hand grenade