Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
How to wake up a Beagle
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))