Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
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9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?