Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
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Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
ibopfufen
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside