“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
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Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw