@Freudianscript

Someone told me to settle down, & I wasn’t sure if they meant for me to calm down, or buy a house & start a family.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

@Cpin42

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

@Rollinintheseat

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

@eff_yeah_steph

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

@SJSchauer

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

@darksidedeb

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

@CMHorrocks

“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.