Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.