Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

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“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”


I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.


WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.


If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.


what’s on your back?
“a katana”
“it’s a japanese sword used…you know what *takes back résumé* I don’t think I wanna work here”


I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*


To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.


School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph


If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.