@Staggfilms

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

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@KimmyMonte

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

@ieatanddrink

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

@LlamaInaTux

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

@slimmy_shady

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

@decentbirthday

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

@T_N_Crumpets

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

@Jarhead44

I’ll give you 10 seconds to take back what you said about my wind chimes.

@Cnelson019Carol

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

@jake_likes_naps

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”