Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
You Might Also Like
“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
what’s on your back?
“it’s a japanese sword used…you know what *takes back résumé* I don’t think I wanna work here”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.