Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

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God’s Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse’s body? I think you’re just in a bad mood.



“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.


The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?


Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell


Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.


prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”


Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.


My wife saw someone kill horses in Minecraft and she is making me build a Minecraft memorial for dead Minecraft animals.


I walked almost all the way home before remembering that I’d driven to work, if you want to know how I’ve been walking those 10,000 steps everyday.