As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
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October already? What’s next? November????
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?