Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
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“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.