If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
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My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they’re not working.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol