Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
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Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO