@BrassBallsCJ

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

You Might Also Like

@leshnevsky

If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.

@3sunzzz

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

@ElliotHetherton

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

@DaddyJew

My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani

@corysnearowski

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

@thepunningman

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

@JeffSarcastic

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

@pena_core

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol