@Dschnoeb

Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can’t love me at my bad jokes, you don’t deserve me at my cat photos.

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@Mom_Overboard

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

@hyenasaur

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

@tracietom

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

@iwearaonesie

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

@MarcusTheToken

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admitnThey are wrong. nnSidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

@_coryrichardson

me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-

her: Don’t say it, im leaving

[later]

me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins

@Bob_Heller

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.