I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can’t love me at my bad jokes, you don’t deserve me at my cat photos.
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Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
“Oh god wait.”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admitnThey are wrong. nnSidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.