DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
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I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
cat vs inanimate object
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.