Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
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Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you鈥檙e making the cows nervous
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Gorilla: so I鈥檓 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I鈥檓 not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it鈥檚 kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Don鈥檛 buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
*thinks my friend Liz鈥檚 full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body馃槶. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom鈥檚 spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which鈥 mean鈥air enough
You can tell a dad鈥檚 age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?