@cambuslad

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

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@SteveSuckington

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

@IchBin_Rob

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

@dragonsorbet

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

@SRbeta

Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do vegetables.

@Reverend_Scott

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

@jonnysun

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

@alldrolledup

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

@BlindChow

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.