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@junejuly12

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

@dimplesticks

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

@gabbazaba

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

@VeroniKaboom

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

@2tickytacky

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

@peteholmes

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

@AndLookPretty

Husband preps two bowls of ice cream. Hands me the one that appears slightly smaller in size.

Are you calling me fat?

@caliluvgirl77

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

@tobyherman27

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg