My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
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When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.