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He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*



5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no


i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication


“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”


I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.


i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.


Husband preps two bowls of ice cream. Hands me the one that appears slightly smaller in size.

Are you calling me fat?


[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”


ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad


Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg