Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
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Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.