someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
You Might Also Like
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.