Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest replied, “I know. I saw your tweet!”
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
It weirds me out my phone won’t swear. What, is it religious?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]