@0hJuliette
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
@LostFelicia
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
You Might Also Like
@0hJuliette
@pondermymaker
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
@iGreenMonk
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest replied, “I know. I saw your tweet!”
@seamussaid
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
@juliussharpe
It weirds me out my phone won’t swear. What, is it religious?
@Smethanie
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
@AngelaEhh
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
@boy_from_school
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
@FrazzleMyGimp
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad Iβm pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* Iβm having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpaβs π having a heart attack π
@citizenkawala
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]