Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Well, this explains it:
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.