@LostFelicia

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

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@0hJuliette

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

@iGreenMonk

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest replied, “I know. I saw your tweet!”

@seamussaid

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

@Smethanie

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

@AngelaEhh

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

@boy_from_school

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

@FrazzleMyGimp

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s πŸ˜‰ having a heart attack πŸ˜‰