“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
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You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Animal poetry
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.