Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
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The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
“what that mouth do?” complain
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.