“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
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arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
“Chocolate is so yummy it’d probably taste good on mothballs.” – inventor of Whopper Candies.
– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: … sure.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
My name is Inigo Ducktoya.
You ate our father.
Prepare to die.