Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
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I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Nice try, NASA
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”