@Wylie_Riley

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

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@Holy_Mowgli

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

@karanbirtinna

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

@evanrhorne

“Chocolate is so yummy it’d probably taste good on mothballs.” – inventor of Whopper Candies.

@UncleDuke1969

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

@robin_991

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

@junejuly12

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

@FemmeEnFeu

A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.

@TheCatWhisprer

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there